MWPP doing stuff
by Ela Dis-Enchanted
Summary: A stupid thing I did when I was bored. Hey, you might even like it. It's MWPP just passing notes and stuff. Warning: SEVERELY stupid! It's wrought with anachronisms, conflicts with canon, and is completely lacking a plot and timeframe. You'll love it!
1. Passing Notes in History of Magic

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs (passing notes in class)

Remus, Peter, Sirius, and James are sitting in History of Magic, passing a piece of parchment around their table. (Just a quick little thing I did when I was bored. I know, it's really stupid.)

_Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling._

**Sirius:** Hey Remus, did you get that last date? The end of the Mermish War?

**Remus:** December 5, 1762. Now pay attention!

**Sirius:** Fine, don't get so touchy.

**James:** You know how he is when…you know. It's that time of month.

**Remus:** James…

**Peter:** Oh you know we're just kidding with you.

**Remus:** Fine. But it's tough you know, so don't joke about it.

**Sirius:** I hate History of Magic. It's so boring.

**Remus:** Yes but it's part of our grade.

**James:** Oh come on Remus, you can't say you _enjoy_ this class.

**Peter:** Yeah really. I wish Binns would just shut up every now and then. Reading's better than this.

**Sirius:** You can't mean that Peter…

**Remus:** I'm scared to think he actually might.

**James:** Well Peter, that _is_ a bit harsh.

**Peter:** But I still stand by it.

**Sirius:** And it takes forever, too. Gosh I'm glad it's almost lunch. I can just taste the chicken now…mmmmm.

**Remus:** Sirius, it's only been ten minutes.

**James:** Come off it Remus. You know it has to have been longer than that.

**Peter:** No, I'm afraid he's right. Look at the clock.

**Sirius:** My god, we're gonna be stuck here FOREVER! NOOOOOOOOOO!

**Remus:** Oh shut up Sirius.

**Sirius:** Yes, almighty prefect sir…

**Peter:** …king of the universe…

**James:** …ruler of the world.

**Remus:** Thank you, thank you. I would bow but that would be too low of me.

**Peter:** Okay, maybe we should stop now.

**Sirius:** Right.

**James:** So, Sirius, are you coming to tomorrow's Quidditch match?

**Remus:** Or will you be too busy "hanging out" with Nora Portlin again?

**Sirius:** Shut up. I told you already, I broke up with her.

**Peter:** Really? Who're you with now?

**Sirius:** Muffy now…or wait…Kyla? No, maybe it's Gertie…

**James:** Seriously, I wish I had that much luck with girls.

**Remus:** You mean with Lily.

**James:** Yeah, so?

**Peter:** Right mate. You and Lily? Sure. Uh huh. Yep.

**Sirius:** Now Peter be nice.

**Remus:** You _really_ think they'll get together Sirius?

**Sirius:** Whoa now. I didn't say _that_…

**James:** And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

**Peter:** Basically…

**Sirius:** …you have absolutely no chance…

**Remus:** …ever. Don't even _dream_ of it.

**James:** That's not very nice. But Peter and Remus, you have no room to talk.

**Peter:** Excuse me?

**Remus:** It's not like we don't have girls chasing after us.

**Peter:** Remus, I bet the only girls that ever chased after you were part of an angry mob.

**Sirius:** Peter, you aren't exactly a ladies man yourself.

**James:** Enough about girls please.

**Peter:** Oh look; Waters just launched a spitball at Binns.

**Remus:** Not like it matters. He can't feel it.

**Sirius:** Oh no, he thinks it was us!

**James:** He noticed it?

**Remus:** Put the parchment away!


	2. Passing Notes in Transfiguration

Back by popular demand *cough cough* iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's…

**MWPP Passing Notes!**

This time the Marauders are in Transfiguration, passing notes when they SHOULD be reading. R/R if you aren't an evil monkey! Enjoy… (Note: When the whole line is in italics, they're actually speaking to each other, not writing.)

**James:** Hey Sirius, was Lily just looking at me?

**Sirius:** James, don't flatter yourself. She was reading the blackboard.

**Remus:** I presume you've all finished the chapter?

**Peter:** Wait…what?

**Remus:** Did you NOT hear Professor McGonagall tell us we were going to have a test on the material in chapter 6 tomorrow!?!?

**Sirius:** Afraid not Moony. Nothing we can do about that now.

**James:** You guys, really, do you think she was looking at me?

**Peter:** James, you might want to ask her that yourself.

**Remus:** Peter, are you mad? The incredible James Potter, talk to Lily Evans? Psh! She just has to wait her turn. I mean _really_!

**Sirius:** No James, she'll talk to you sometime. Maybe in a year or two…

**Peter:** …after you get a job.

**James:** You guys _aren't_ funny!

**Sirius:** Aren't we?

**Remus:** I find it quite amusing.

**James:** You know what's _funny_? You know what's _amusing_?

**Peter:** That time you fell off your broom?

**James:** _No_…the pictures I took last year at 3 in the morning. I still have them.

**Remus:** You don't mean the ones…

**James:** I do, Remus. Your hair looked _wonderful_ in those…

**Remus:** You little…

**Sirius:** But that means you've got pictures of me…

**James:** …with your TEDDY!

**Peter:** Sirius, you have a teddy bear?

**Remus:** Well I'm shocked. _Not_. I can't count all the times you've had me stitch up that old thing when you tore it. I don't know why I ever did…

**Peter:** Stitched it up?

**James:** Remus, you sew? No self-respecting man can _sew_. Little Susie Homema—

(in the classroom Remus punches James so hard in the stomach he stops breathing for a minute)

**Sirius:** My god Remus! What did you do to him?

**Remus:** Shut up or you'll be next!

**Peter:** Yessir!

**Sirius:** Whatever you say…

(James finally regains his composure and scratches Remus, leaving four red streaks down his arm)

**Remus:** AGH! James scratched me!

(Remus and James break out in a silent fistfight)

**Sirius:** Oooh! Remus, play fair…

**Peter:** Get him James! Two galleons says James wins.

**Sirius:** You're on!

(James punches Remus in the cheek, Remus lands a blow under James' jaw)

**Peter: **They're gonna kill each other!

**Sirius:** I know…cool!

**Peter:** We can't let them do that!

**Sirius:** Whatever, fine…

(Sirius restrains Remus' arms and Peter pulls James back, they notice that James has a bloody nose and Remus has a cut below his mouth)

**Peter:** What did you guys DO to each other?

**James:** He attacked me!

**Remus:** You started it!

(they lunge at each other again, but Sirius manages to get between them)

**Peter:** Is this how best friends are supposed to act?

**Sirius:** You guys tore each other apart! Eh, who won anyway?

**James:** Nobody.

**Remus:** It was a draw.

(McGonagall seems to notice that two of her students are bleeding like crazy in the back of her room and starts to walk over to them)

**Sirius:** Oh great, McGonagall saw you!

**Remus:** Hey sorry James.

**James:** Ditto Remus, let's just figure out how to get out of this.

**Peter:** Killer book?

**Sirius:** It'll do.

(Sirius tucks the parchment into his bag)

**_McGonagall:_**_ What on earth happened to you boys?_

**_Peter:_**_ It was Sirius' book…_

**_Sirius:_**_ Sometimes it, like, randomly tries to kill people._

**_McGonagall:_**(arches an eyebrow) _Does it now?_

**_Peter:_**_ They learned it the hard way. _(Peter points to Remus and James who pretended to be totally shocked)

**_James:_**_ The book…it attacked us!_

**_Remus:_**_ It was horrible Professor…blood everywhere!_

**_Peter:_**_ Blood? _(pretends to faint)

**_Sirius:_**_ Professor, it's not the first time. Look here, under my robes, one time it bit my… _

**_McGonagall:_**_ Thank you Mr. Black, I don't need to hear any more._

**_Sirius:_**_ What? I was just gonna say leg._

(the whole class is staring at them now)

**McGonagall:** Fine Black. Just take these boys to the hospital wing. Potter's nose is broken and Lupin's losing too much blood. Hurry!

(Sirius and Peter [now "revived"] help James and Lupin to the hospital wing [now in the corridor])

**_Lupin:_**_ Killer book?_

**_Peter:_**_ Well it worked! Plus, you guys shouldn't have fought like that._

**_Sirius:_**_ Yeah, I've seen James in action, but Remus…I didn't know you had it in you!_

**_Remus:_**_ Shut up and get me to the hostpital wing, I'm getting dizzy._

**_James:_**_ And my nose feels like a friggin'…broken nose!_

(the Marauders keep walking towards the hospital wing)

I know that one was a bit stupid, but I wrote it in a hurry at 7 in the morning. With no previous sleep. *yawn* Well R/R if you dare. I'll make more I promise. 


	3. Passing Notes in Divination

Okay, I know you guys like the notes so here's some more of them. My friend (Manga) and I thought up something REALLY funny for this one (I call it "The Revelation"). I hope you like it! R/R, okay?

**MWPP Passing Notes in Divination**

**James:** I don't get it! How does this stupid ball work?

**Sirius:** Ask Remus. He knows everything.

(they turn to Remus who is about to smash his crystal ball into a million pieces out of frustration)

**Peter:** I think the Professor said…you gaze into it and…I think you…

**Remus:** And you're supposed to say "Show me what is, show me what's been, show me what's coming, from your depths within."

**Sirius:** That was beautiful, Remus. I'm really crying over here.

**Remus:** Yeah, but that's a lie, because this damn thing won't work!

**James:** You know, who ever thought to put an "n" on the end of damn? I mean, now that I look at it…

**Peter:** I think I see something!

**James:** What?

**Peter:** No…never mind.

**Sirius:** I think I can make it work…"Show me the future, show me the past, show me the money, and kiss my…"

**Remus:** Sirius! There are children present.

**James:** Hey!

**Peter:** Heeeeeeeey!

**Sirius:** Er, sorry guys.

**James:** Let me try out the crystal again. I think _I_ can make it work.

**Remus:** Okay Mr. I Can Do Everything. Go on, try.

(James stares into the foggy crystal ball)

**James:** I see…a girl. She has…red hair and…green eyes. And she's…she's with me! It's Lily and me getting married!

(Remus rolls his eyes, Sirius laughs from behind his hand, Peter stares at him in awe)

**Peter:** What else?

**Sirius:** C'mon James. I really doubt that'll happen.

**Remus:** You said it…er, wrote it…Sirius.

**Peter:** But he sees it in the crystal!

**James:** Yeah! In the all-knowing-ever-powerful crystal!

**Sirius:** Uh huh. Sure. And then what will happen? You guys will have a baby?

(Remus and Sirius snicker)

**Remus:** Yeah, and then…I dunno. Some evil wizard will kill you two because of some…stupid prophecy or something!

**Peter:** Yeah, and I'll be the one to betray you guys to your death! Like I'd _do_ that to one of my best friends!

**James:** C'mon guys stop it.

**Sirius:** No, no, no. And your son will like, defeat the dark wizard dude when he's a baby!

(Sirius, Peter, and Remus are doubled up in silent laughter)

**Remus:** Then he'll be forced to live with evil Muggles until he gets to go to Hogwarts!

**James:** Okay that's really enough.

**Sirius:** We're not done yet. In the future…I might try to kill Peter!

(Peter pretends to die while the others laugh)

**Peter:** That'll happen just as soon as Snivellus over there becomes a teacher.

(they all glare at Snape who glares back)

**James:** And all this time I thought Moony would be a teacher.

**Remus:** Who me? Never!

**Sirius:** You know, stuff like this would belong in a book.

**Peter:** No, a whole series!

**Remus:** And movies! Of course they'll be relatively untrue to the books and disappoint the fans. And they'll totally cast _me_ wrong and everything…

**Sirius:** Right Remus…But what are movies?

**Remus:** I read about them in Muggle Studies. They're like, um, plays only they're kept on this thing called film…

**Peter:** Spare us the ranting Remus.

**Remus:** Okay.

**James:** So what you're saying is…

**Sirius:** You're son's gonna be mer-chan-diseable!

**James:** You mean Harry?

**Remus:** Who's Harry?

**James:** My son.

**Peter:** What son?

**James:** Well, you see that's my grandfather's name, so that's what I'm going to name Lily's and my son.

**Sirius:** It seems like you're assuming you'll _have_ a son.

**Peter:** And that you'll marry Lily.

**James:** But I see it in the crystal!

**Sirius:** Like we said, it's just about as likely as the Triwizard Tournament being played again! 

**Remus:** And for your information, it's been banned for over a century, maybe two!

**Peter:** They have a point, James.

**James:** Okay, but when my son, Harry Potter is born…

**Sirius:** Dibs on godfather!

**Remus:** Damn you!

(Remus and Sirius glare at each other)

**Peter:** Haven't we established that this isn't going to happen?

**Remus:** Just…shut up Peter. Shut up.

**Sirius:** Oh is ickle-not-godfather-Remus jealous?

(Remus glares at Sirius again)

**James:** Hey, I'm just joking. You guys are probably right. I mean, what chance is there of some stupid dark lord rising up and destroying?

**Sirius:** You never know…

Well, that's all! I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Review it if you have a heart. Because I mean, if you don't, it's okay. I mean, it's not like some dark lord will come and destroy you if you don't. I mean, c'mon…what are the chances of that? *shifty eyes* =P


	4. Passing Notes in Potions

**MWPP: Passing Notes in bum bum bum Potions!**

You just knew it was coming, didn't you?

A/N Hey! I'm finally writing a 4th chapter! W00t! I knew I'd have to get around to it eventually. Seems there are a few people out there who find this actually semi-entertaining, which is good, because I don't plan to stop. No, summer vacation is mere days away! Yes, well, I think I fixed that weird double spacing formatting problem, but Word hates me so… Oh and I must yell randomly for a moment: THEY ACTUALLY DID CAST A TRELAWNY FOR THE POA MOVIE! YEEEE-AAAAH! You know, any of you who saw the TV spots, that they did, in fact, cast someone to play professor Trelawney who mysteriously did not show up on the casting list. Ah well, it looks like the movie may actually be good now. Well, enough rambling! ONWARDS!

Disclaimer Bahhh…you know the whole shpeal… Also, remember the lines written totally in italics are spoken aloud.

**James:** Hey, do you guys think…  
  
**Sirius:** Don't say it, man…  
  
**James:** Say what?  
  
**Remus:** Oh don't play stupid! Every time you write us a note, you always ask, "Is Lily looking at me?" or "Lily's so pretty…" or, "Do you think Lily and I will get married someday?" It's really getting quite annoying.  
  
**James:** Actually, I was just going to ask, "Hey, do you guys think you could lend me some parchment?" You see, I'm all out. It's not about Lily.  
  
**Peter:** Uh, huh…  
  
**Remus:** Smart move. Use your last piece of parchment to write a note…asking for parchment. Smoooooooooth, mate.  
  
**Sirius:** Yeah, except he was going to ask about Lily, not parchment.  
  
**Peter:** Good point.  
  
**James:** Okay, but do you think she acted like she was into me…you know at breakfast this morning. She was talking to me…  
  
**Remus:** She said, "Pass the salt."  
  
**James:** Your point being?  
  
**Remus:** That's not exactly throwing herself at you, now is it?  
  
**Peter:** Burn.  
  
**Sirius:** James, sometimes I'm scared by how obsessed you are. Really. It's quite scary.  
  
**James:** Sirius! Come on, you have to admit man, she IS pretty.  
  
**Sirius:** Well, yeah, but…  
  
**James:** SIRIUS! I can't believe you! Are you trying to steal my girlfriend?  
  
**Sirius:** I…wait…I don't…what…huh?  
  
**Peter:** Um, James, man, A. She's not your girlfriend…  
  
**James:** …yet…  
  
**Peter:** And B. You TOLD Sirius to say that. Have you suddenly gone nuts on us here?  
  
**Sirius: **GONE nuts?  
  
**Remus:** Right, now that we've wasted 4 minutes of our life talking about Lily, we should probably get started on our Melting Potions.  
  
**James:** Why? It's boring.  
  
**Peter:** Moony's right. Look, Snivellus is almost done with his…  
  
(they all glare at Snape, who glares back)  
  
**James:** Right! Someone hand me the diced lizard spleens!  
  
**Sirius:** Way ahead of you Prongs…  
  
(6 diced lizard spleens, 12 puffkin hairs, 27 toad's eyes, and 20 minutes later…)  
  
**Peter:** Okay…I think we're done.  
  
**Remus:** No, no, keep stirring. It's supposed to be pink, not red.  
  
**Sirius:** Man, it's close enough.  
  
**Remus:** Do you want another failing grade? No, we need to keep stirring.  
  
**James:** While Peter is stirring, I have a question.  
  
**Sirius:** What would that be?  
  
**Remus:** Oh let me guess, "Do you think Lily will go out with me if I buy her 8 kilos of Honeyduke's chocolate?" 'Cause if that's it, no she won't.  
  
**James:** How do you know?  
  
**Remus:** You tried that last year. Needless to say, she didn't go for it.  
  
**James:** Oh yeah.  
  
**Peter:** I'm done. I think it's pinkish now…  
  
**Remus:** Good. Now we have to let it cool for…(looks at book)…exactly 6 minutes. All right.  
  
**Sirius:** Oh, I forgot to tell you guys! While you were arguing over whether Lily did or didn't flirt with James at breakfast…the professor said that there was an error in the book. We were supposed to add 16 diced lizard spleens…  
  
**James:** Congratulations, Sirius. That must be the first time you ever kinda-sorta payed attention in class…  
  
**Remus:** OH NO! It's bubbling over!  
  
**Peter:** Oh nasty, it's turning green!  
  
**Sirius:** Oops. Sorry.  
  
**Remus:** Off the table before it gets onto us!  
  
**James:** Why?  
  
**Remus:** Well, I'm not exactly in the mood to become a melted blob today, are you?  
  
**James:** Good point.  
  
**Peter:** Why are we still writing? Get down!  
  
(they promptly run from the table as Melting Potion covers their parchment, melting it)  
  
**_James:_**_ Oh great…_  
  
**_Remus:_**_ What is it, pray tell?_  
  
**_James:_**_ Now I can't mooch parchment off of you guys._  
  
**_Remus:_**_ Oh shut up._

YAY! That was fun now, wasn't it? Please review or I will hunt you down and murder you with an axe…I mean, BYE! (P.S. I promise to write again very soon!)


	5. Passing Notes in Charms

**MWWP: Passing Notes in Charms**

Not really much to say anymore. Heh. I've explained it many times. Just wanted to say, sorry for the delay. I have been majorly wrapped up in my crossover fic, which everyone should read. So yeah, you read this right now and have fun. THEN read the crossover. Or vice-versa. Or whatever.

Also, still don't forget, italicized lines are spoken aloud.

* * *

**Peter:** Aw… Why won't my quill dance?

**Remus:** Maybe because, ah, I dunno… YOU'RE NOT EVEN _ATTEMPTING_ THE SPELL?

**Sirius:** That could be a problem.

**James: **It could…

**Peter:** Oh, I actually have to do work? Well, forget that…

**Remus:** Peter, I often think to myself, "Boy, if he does that one more time, I may just have to smack him." I think it might be time to do just that…

**Peter:** No, no, no, look, I'm doing the spell, see?

(Peter nervously mutters a spell at his quill, which subsequently shoots across the room and hits another student in the eye. However, the other student is a Slytherin, and nobody really cares.)

**James:** Peter, careful! Or no, don't be careful. That was funny. Just don't hit me.

**Sirius:** Or me. I like my eyes.

**Remus:** And how far have _you_ guys gotten in your practicing?

**James:** I got my quill to do sort of a little shuffle…

**Sirius:** Mine says he doesn't know how to dance, and that he's embarrassed and there's no way he's making a fool of himself in front of the girls.

(Remus points to his quill, which is currently break dancing.)

**Peter:** Remus, don't show off.

(Severus approaches, holding his quill.)

**_Severus:_**_ Lupin, I see you have made your quill break dance. However, its skills are inferior to my quill. Observe._

(Severus sets down his quill, which starts doing windmills on the desk.)

**_Remus:_**_ Oh you wanna go?_

**_Severus:_**_ Bring it._

**_Remus:_**_ Oh it's already been broughten!_

**_James:_**_ Uh oh._

**_Sirius:_**_ It's a Quill-off._

**_Peter:_**_ QUILL-OFF!_

(A large crowd gathers to watch the dancing quills. Some funky hip-hop starts playing from out of nowhere and the quills start doing their top-rock dances as MWPP glares at their rival.)

**_Severus:_**_ Prepare to be annihilated._

**_Remus:_**_ Oh no you don't._

(Remus' quill does a backspin followed by a turtle.)

**_Severus:_**_ Lame!_

(Severus' quill does the worm, going straight into a 1990.)

**_Remus:_**_ Yeah? Well check this!_

(Remus makes his quill do a two-step going into a kip-up and finishing with a reverse chicken kick.)

**_Severus:_**_ FOOLISH MORTAL!_

(Severus' quill does a coffee grinder and a side freeze and finishes with a triple airtrack.)

(The crowd gasps.)

**_Remus:_**_ Prepare yourself for this, my shniggy!_

(Remus' quill does a 1080 on its head… er… point, followed by several windmills in quick succession, going into a backspin, and finishes off with an astonishing quintuple airtrack.)

(The crowd gasps even harder.)

**_Peter:_**_ Oh you just got served!_

**_Sirius:_**_ Wizard served!_

**_James:_**_ Burn-ness to the max extreme!_

**_Severus:_**_ I WILL BE BACK!_

(A puff of smoke pops up around Severus, as if he were about to disappear. But he didn't. He just kinda stood there and blinked as the cloud dissipated.)

**Severus:** Grrr… 

(This time he just walks away.)

**James:** Er, was it just me or was that exchange pretty lame?

**Peter:** No, it was kinda dumb.

**Sirius:** Yeah…

**Remus:** Izzy fizzy pushizzy to da dizzy my bizzies!

**James:** Somebody hit him.

**Sirius:** Okay.

(He did.)

**Remus:** OW! Dat hizzurted!

**Peter:** Sigh…

**James:** Peter, did you just write out the word "sigh"?

**Peter:** Why yes. Yes I did.

**Sirius:** Damn quill. It can't dance.

**James:** But it's doing the robot!

**Sirius:** I know. Like I said… It can't dance.

**Peter:** Mine's doing the river dance.

**Remus:** Haha, frizzutay!

**Peter:** What, are you calling my quill gay?

**Remus:** Oh nah, I'm just sayin' dat river dance is for sissies like yizzou!

**Sirius:** This is just getting silly.

**James:** It is.

**Sirius:** It must end.

**Peter:** But how?

**Remus:** Just stop wrizziting mah bizznotches!

**James:** Okay…

(And they did. Which means that this is the end of chapter five.)

* * *

Wow, that was weird! I guess I shouldn't watch this much ATHF and mimic MC P Pants. Oh well, you can't do nothin'! I'm out my shniggies! And don't forget to review homie dawg g-money-izzles!


	6. Making the Marauders Map

It's time to give the people what they want. Ehe, that's right, people, I bringeth you…

**MWPP Making the Marauder's Map**

* * *

**Sirius:** So, are we going to do it? We're actually going to attempt making this?

**Remus:** The plausibility of it actually getting done, and the odds of probability that it will work are very much against us, but it appears as if I can answer your question in the affirmative, Sirius.

**Peter:** Wha…?

**James:** He says yes Peter… Or he says NO…

**Remus:** To put it simply for you, it's a stupid idea and it will never work, but yes, we're apparently going to try it.

**Sirius:** Okay good. (He pulls out some new parchment) So, where do we start…?

**Peter:** We have to write our message to whoever feels like reading the map, like so… (Peter scribbles something, and they all look at it)

**Remus:** PETER! That's disgusting! It's vile, it's vulgar, it's…

**James:** It's incredibly funny. Let's keep it!

**Remus:** If we keep that, they won't be able to show it in the movie with a rating under that of NC-17, which would screw up our story even more than it already will be by the filmmakers…

**Sirius:** Remus, are you on about Muggle stuff again?

**Remus:** Yes as-a-matter-of-freaking-fact I AM! Don't any of you want to get PAID in the future?

**Peter:** Oh come on, we'll be dead by the time the books are out and the movies are made…

**James:** Yes, everyone but me. I shall live FOREVA! MUAHAHA!

(Please, everyone, let's bow our heads in a moment of ironic foreshadowing respect.)

(You are bowing your head right? Shame on you…)

(Seriously, though, really…)

(I'm not going to write any more if you don't.)

(I mean it…)

(…)

**Sirius:** Sure you are James… Moving on now… How many secret passages do we know?

**Peter:** Precisely 87,541. Not counting that one in the girl's bathroom. Then it'd be 87,542.

**James:** Er, where exactly does that one in the girl's bathroom lead to anyways?

**Remus:** Ergh, who cares? There's an annoying ghost there anyway and she won't shut up about how ugly and fat she is. And she IS.

**Peter:** Now Remus, who's being impolite?

**Remus:** Well it's true, and I don't care if she hates me or not for it. She's so damn LOUD…

**Sirius:** Do you not mind my asking WHY you know so much about a ghost in a girl's lavatory?

**Remus:** Um, Frances Burkes told me. She did.

**James:** You said you saw the ghost…

**Remus:** Oh shut up. Peter was the one who found out there was even a passage in there, if he'd care to explain how that little discovery came about…

**Peter:** No comment.

**Sirius:** MOVING ALONG… How on earth are we going to track people?

**Remus:** Well, if we felt like doing it the hard way we could put a blanket spell over the whole castle for monitoring everything inside of it, though I'm sure security won't permit… We could use a temporary tracking spell on anything within a certain vicinity of the map, and then make the map only effective within the castle…

**James:** Can you ever talk without rambling?

**Remus:** No, no I cannot.

**Peter:** Well, wait a second guys. What happens if this map falls into the wrong hands? Or the right ones, for that matter? Won't we get into trouble?

**Sirius:** Has THAT ever stopped us _before_?

**Peter:** Point taken, and dually noted.

**James:** So let me get this straight. With this map, we can track people? Yes?

**Remus:** Yes, James, if we figure out a spell for it.

**James:** Like… ANYONE, right?

**Sirius:** James, what are you on about…?

**Peter:** Uh, oh… I do NOT like the sound of this.

**James:** Anyone, like, any specific person?

**Remus:** JAMES I REFUSE TO LET YOU STALK LILY WITH THIS MAP!

**James:** Oh, Remus, just jealous because I thought of it first?

**Remus:** Jealous, no. Outraged, YES! That's wrong! It's a violation of privacy. A GIRL, James! What ever happened to chivalry?

**Sirius:** Chivalry? Isn't that like, a vegetable?

**Peter:** No, Sirius, I think it's a dance.

**James:** Well Remus, I don't care about your dancing vegetables, Lily and I are in LOVE.

**Remus:** Oh, I've had enough of this…

(Remus gets up to leave.)

**Peter:** Don't go! You have to cast the sp… I mean, WE DON'T NEED _YOU_!

**Sirius:** That's RIGHT!

**Remus:** Fine, then I'm going.

**Peter:** DON'T LEAVE, WE NEED YOU!

**Remus:** I knew it…

**James:** So if I can see Lily, can I…

**Remus:** No.

**James:** Damn it…

**Sirius:** Man, Remus, I bet if you were a teacher, you'd take this map away from yourself…

**James:** Or my son.

**Peter:** The one that won't ever exist…

**Remus:** No, no, I just don't think it should be used in THAT way. But by all means, act irresponsibly…

**James:** Well then… we need a password for this thing.

**Sirius:** Yes, we can't let just ANYONE see…

**Peter:** Or act irresponsibly on our behalf.

**Remus:** How about, "I solemnly swear that I shall confine the use of this map to only acceptable means of mischief, though I am up to no good."

**Sirius:** Shorten it. I won't be able to remember that.

**James:** How about this?

(James crosses out most of Remus' sentence.)

It now reads: "I solemnly swear that I shall confine the use of this map to only acceptable means of mischief, though I am up to no good."

**Sirius:** _I solemnly swear I am up to no good_. Nice touch.

**Remus:** Smart.

**Peter:** I love it.

**James:** Perfect.

* * *

Hope you liked it! I am now off to watch the verdict of the Scott Peterson trial… This is TORTURE… 


	7. Passing Notes in Care of Magical Creatur...

**MWPP: Passing Notes in Care of Magical Creatures**

I think the title pretty much says it all, don't you? ) (P.S.: As always – _italicized lines are spoken aloud_!)

* * *

**Peter:** James, James, James, James! IT BIT ME!

**James:** What bit you Peter?

**Peter:** The… thing!

**Remus:** You mean the flobberworm?

**Peter:** Yes! Oh god, it's going to get infected, and swell up, and fall off, and then I'm going to die!

**Sirius:** Please, don't get our hopes up…

**Peter:** Sirius!

**Sirius:** Kidding, only kidding…

**Remus:** Calm down Peter. You won't die, nor lose any fingers, or become infected. It was a WORM. Repeat after me, a WORM.

**Peter:** Yes, I know. Just a worm. A big, huge, scary, vicious WORM!

**James:** You know, Peter, you are such a wimp.

**Sirius:** You've only just realized this?

**James:** Why yes, as a mater of fact. I knew he was a little… nervous at times. I did not, however, know that our friend here actually happened to be a GIRL.

**Peter:** I AM NOT A GIRL! Ow, this writing is hurting my finger… OH LOOK IT'S TURNING PURPLE!

**Remus:** You're right, he is a girl.

**Peter:** STOP THAT!

**Sirius:** Don't get too worked up over that worm bite, Peter. The thing you really have to worry about is feeding those worms to the Augurey chicks. I hear they can be temperamental at times, _when they smell fear_…

**Peter:** Sirius!

**James:** Nice one… Wait, really?

**Remus:** I've never heard that before, Sirius. Augureys are supposed to be rather mournful and shy creatures.

**Sirius:** Oh they _are_ Remus. But remember how we read that their cries were supposed to foretell death? They were shunned by wizards for many years and are now very resentful of them.

**James:** Guys, guys, are you serious?

**Remus:** It does make sense…

**Peter:** Oh great, now I'm going to get my hand bitten off by a BIRD! Can't I just go to the hospital wing for my already extensive injury and just skip this part?

**James:** (cough, cough) Girl. (cough)

**Remus:** James, that doesn't work on paper.

**James:** Dammit…

**Sirius:** Ah yes, here's the professor with the little devil-birds now.

**Peter:** SIRIUS WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO SCARE ME!

**Sirius:** I wasn't trying to scare you. In fact, I gave you the nicer version of events. Augureys aren't just "temperamental." In fact, did I ever tell you about the guy in Wales who had his face bitten off…

**Peter:** ENOUGH!

(The professor comes around, putting a small hatchling bird on each of the students' desks.)

**Remus:** Aw, they're rather cute for how demonic they are, eh Sirius?

**Sirius:** You'd never expect they could dismember you in seconds.

**James:** (Picks up a worm and feeds it to the bird) They're not all that bad, now are they? (He pets the bird on the head, and it squeaks softly.)

**Peter:** This one is eyeing me oddly… Can they really smell fear?

**Sirius:** Would I lie to you?

**Peter:** Yes.

**Sirius:** Point taken. However, this time, I kid you not.

**Peter:** (Gulps and slowly holds out a worm for his bird, who snatches it out of his hand.) AHHH! Did you see that? It nearly took my thumb with it!

**Remus:** (Feeding his bird.) Oh it did _not_.

**_James:_**(Talking to his Augurey.)_ Cute little fuzzy-wuzzy, yes you are…_

**Sirius:** Getting rather attached to that bird, are you James?

**James:** He's not "that bird." His name is Madison Jefferson!

**Remus:** Wait a minute… (Flips through a random American History book.)

**Sirius:** See Peter? They can be nice, if you're nice to them.

**Peter:** Well… All right… (He holds out his hand to pet the Augurey, which keeps looking at him oddly.)

**Remus:** Go on there, nice and easy…

**Sirius:** Look, Peter, there's nothing to worry about.

**Peter:** I suppose this isn't so bad. I mean, he's not trying to bite. I'm not so scared. It's cool, I'm fine… (The bird hops onto his hand.)

**_Peter:_**_ OH MY GOD GET IT OFF ME! IT'S TRYING TO EAT MY FACE! _(He lunges backward, knocking down his desk and several tubs of flobberworms.)

**_Remus:_**_ Nice work, Sirius._

**_Sirius:_**_ Hey' it's not _my_ fault he's a wimp._

**_James:_**_ YOU'RE UPSETTING MADISON! Stop it Peter!_

**_Peter:_**(Swatting away birds.) _AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

(Most of the birds are now fluttering around the classroom in a frenzied panic, with students chasing after them.)

**_Professor Kettleburn:_**_ Students! Students! Calm down!_

(And yet, nobody listened.)

**_Peter:_**_ I'm gonna DIE! HELP ME!_ (He runs out of the classroom, crying.)

**_Sirius:_**_ I believe that's three sickles, Moony…_

**_Remus:_** (Grumbles and pulls some coins from his pocket, handing them to Sirius.) _That is the _last time_ I bet in favor of Peter's bravery._

**_James:_**_ Madison, are you okay? Good boy…_

**_Sirius:_**_ You know, you really shouldn't get that close to that bird. It's not yours…_

**_James:_**_ SHUT UP OR MADISON WILL EAT YOUR FACE!_

_

* * *

_

That was sort of fun. I haven't written one of these in forever. Er, review then! Stick around for more, it won't be too long. I promise. Or at least I think I promise. I can never be too sure with my schedule anymore. Ah well, hope you liked it!


	8. MWPP and the Computer

Okay, I know everybody liked the notes, but this time I'm going to try something different. I'm just experimenting a bit. This time they're actually TALKING to each other. What a weird idea, you may think. Talking? Yeah right… Anyway here it goes! (By the way, I'm doing a bit of a different format here, rather than a screenplay-like identification of each speaker, it's written more like a book)

**MWPP and the Computer!** (horror movie music plays)

The Marauders have just nicked a surprisingly modern computer out of a Muggle home in a town near Hogsmeade. After finding a plug somewhere (go figure) they're trying to figure out exactly what to do with it once you've plugged it in…

* * *

In the almost complete darkness of midnight in the Gryffindor common room, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and James Potter crouched around a chair in which Remus Lupin sat in front of a conspicuously technologically advanced device called a "PC." Sirius had snuck into a Muggle home in a village near Hogsmeade on one weekend trip and stolen it. Even after several threats and violent repercussion from Remus, curiosity overwhelmed them all, even our dear Moony, who consented to let them try it out before returning it quickly to the Muggle home from whence it came. Presently, they were trying to figure out how to turn it on.

"This little switch is glowing," commented James, who was sitting on the floor near the box that appeared to be the main component of the device. "Should I press it?"

"No!" hissed Remus, fully expecting him to do it anyway. James didn't disappoint. There was a slight whir, and the monitor in front of Remus started glowing as well.

"Nice job," said Remus. "You know, that could have been dangerous. What if the box suddenly exploded when you did that?"

"Then it would have been very cool," said Sirius slowly with a comically earnest voice.

"You would have been very dead," retorted Remus.

"What's Windows 2000?" asked Peter, who was pointing at the screen, completely missing the suspicious fact that it was only 1983. The other boys turned to look at the screen. A tacky colored flag stood out against a white background, while a blue bar underneath the words and the flag progressed across the bottom of the screen.

"No idea man," James said, tapping the glass. "But I'm pretty sure this thing isn't a window."

"You're getting fingerprints all over the glass," Remus scolded, pushing James away and wiping the screen with his sleeve. They proceeded to stare at the screen, which flickered and went black. Sirius let out a melodramatically exasperated sigh.

"Look what you've done now James," Sirius said, imitating Remus' voice with almost painful accuracy. "You've broken it."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" wailed James, pretending to sob into his hands. "I'll never do it again!"

"That's right you won't," said Sirius mightily. "Because I ban you from school forevermore!"

"Both of you shut up," said the real Remus, scowling. Peter sniggered behind his hand. At that moment the screen flashed, and up popped a picture of…

"Puppies!" they all exclaimed in girly voices. They proceeded to giggle effeminately, then when they couldn't keep it up any longer, broke out into deeper, genuine laughs that faded into chuckles, then slightly discomfited coughs. As they watched, a tiny arrow appeared on the screen along with several pictures, each with its own tiny label.

"Interesting," said Peter pointing to a small "E" in the corner, then quickly withdrawing his hand after Remus shot him an intimidating look.

"What does it do?" Sirius wondered aloud.

"What does 'E' even stand for?" asked James.

"Who knows…" muttered Remus. He cracked his knuckles and looked down at the tiny board filled with letters that looked somewhat like a typewriter laying in front of him, and the small mouse-like object with two buttons and a wire attaching it to the PC, trying to figure out their purposes. He shook the mouse thing in one hand.

"Hey the arrow moved!" said Peter excitedly. "Do that again." Remus placed the mouse on the table and moved it slowly around. The arrow on the screen followed his movements.

"This is starting to make sense," he said. "The arrow obviously does something important."

"Obviously," echoed Sirius.

"I know," concurred James.

"Poke the 'E' with the arrow," suggested Peter. "Maybe it'll do something." Remus tried. Nothing happened.

"Well what about the buttons?" said Sirius. "Click one of the buttons." Remus hit the button on the mouse. Yet again, nothing happened.

"Damn this thing!" Remus hit the button several times in quick succession. Something finally happened. A white square popped onto the screen. They gasped.

"Google," read James, looking at the box. "Isn't that a number?"

"Sort of," said Remus, staring at the page. "What now?"

"Type something," said Peter. "Type on the letter thingy. Maybe it will do something."

Remus typed their names on the keyboard and watched in amazement as the words appeared in the box on the screen.

"Oh look, it has a 'search' button," said Sirius. "Maybe it thinks it can tell us where we are." He scoffed loudly. "I bet it isn't anywhere near as good as the Marauder's Map." Sirius took the liberty of clicking the search button himself. Nothing happened, for unbeknownst to our lovable little Marauders, the internet connection they were dealing with used a conveniently wireless 56 kb/sec piece of crap modem, and as we all know, pages take an average of 8000 years apiece to load on an old 56K. What do you expect people? This WAS only '83 (and this modem was quite advanced for back THEN, mind you).

"Oh I hate Muggle stuff!" exclaimed Sirius, who repeatedly hit the button. Just then, another box popped up accompanied by an odd metallic beeping noise akin to fingernails scraping against a blackboard in hell.

"AHH!" the boys cried in unison, startled to death.

"What in the dickens is a 'general protection fault'?" asked Peter, still slightly shaken.

"Did you just say 'dickens'?" asked James incredulously.

"So?" Peter said defensively.

"Oh nothing, I was just previously under the impression that you were a male. Sixteen years old at that. Pardon my mistake."

"No, we established he was a girl the other day, remember," Sirius reminded James. "In Care of Magical Creatures."

"Right, right," James said, nodding in recollection. Peter rolled his eyes.

Remus, on the other hand, not having heard this little offshoot of conversation, sat in concentration, trying to make the error go away. Unsuccessfully. He tapped the screen with his wand. Even magic was no match for the pure evil that was the creation of Microsoft's Bill Gates, who by the way, was about 3000 miles from the boys' present location laughing evilly in his office while Mike the intern eyed him quite suspiciously, refilling Gates' pure solid platinum mug with coffee and backing quickly out of the room. Remus finally resorted to hitting buttons randomly, as that particular technique hadn't failed them to date. Sure enough, the error quickly disappeared and the screen went back to the adorable puppy backdrop.

"Let's poke some more of the pictures," James said mischievously, taking control of the mouse. He moved the cursor over a tiny yellow man in front of a blue triangle. From our beautifully omniscient point of view, we know that this is in fact the AOL Instant Messenger icon, and we are in for quite a bit of entertainment. James furiously clicked the icon, and a window with a list of names (or as we know it, a Buddy List) popped up. James was trying to figure out what to click next, when yet another window came up. This is what it said:

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** omg hi

"What kind of name is that?" Remus mused. "Should we answer?"

"Why not?" said Peter, shrugging. "Say hi." Remus typed. As he clicked send, the message appeared in the box below the first line of dialogue.

**Icefiredragon56:** Hello.

"Are _we_ this dragon person?" asked Sirius.

"Apparently," said Remus. Just then they received a reply from H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** lyke y haven't u bin on all daiye?11!1!one!1?

**Icefiredragon56:** I've been busy.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** omg u missed the funniyest tings skewl lol lmao du u no wut brian sed in math?

"What is she SAYING?" asked an extraordinarily puzzled James. "What language is that?"

"I think I can translate," said Remus thoughtfully. "I believe she said, 'I witnessed something amusing in school today that you did not. Has anyone relayed to you what Brian said in our mathematics lesson?'"

"Tell her no," Peter said. "I want to hear this."

**Icefiredragon56:** I'm afraid not.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** OMG LOL IT WAZ SUUUUUUUUUU FUNNIEYE he din't du hiz HW & the teecher sed OMG u have detinshun an he wuz all lyke whoa furget y00 LMAO ROTFL!11!1!1!

"…" implored Sirius.

"I think that meant, 'It was hilarious. Dear Brian neglected to turn in his homework assignment, and his teacher responded by giving him detention. However, Brian seemed quite apathetic, and candidly informed the teacher that he did not take the punishment seriously.'" said Remus.

"Bull-CRAP! That wasn't funny," James complained. "Tell her she's an idiot."

"Now James, that isn't very nice," chided Remus. He turned back to the screen. "But it's true. I'll tell her."

**Icefiredragon56:** My dear girl, you are an idiot.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** LYKE y r u talking s0 weeird? ho00o0 spels thins rite in an IM!

**Icefiredragon56:** I'm proud of my spelling ability and use of grammar, thank you. This would explain why I think you are an idiot.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** OMG UR TEW MEEENE IM SO NOT UR FREND NE MORE

_H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934 has signed off … thank god_

"Good thing that's over," said Sirius. "I think my head would've exploded if I read one more sentence in that damn language of hers. What country is that from Remus?"

"I have no idea," said Remus. Suddenly H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934 signed back on.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** IM SO SORRY B MY FREND AGIN PLEEEEZE

James smiled puckishly. He looked at Remus.

"Let ME talk to her for a while." Remus nodded, and handed James the keyboard. James started typing.

**Icefiredragon56:** No, I'm sorry, I don't own a lima bean farm.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** wut?

**Icefiredragon56:** Yes.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** u dun mak ne sense

**Icefiredragon56:** Well, I actually spent last summer at my grandmother's house, and had a smashing time. Thanks for asking.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** WTF?

**Icefiredragon56:** Quite.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** wat the heck iz wrong wit u man?111!

**Icefiredragon56:** I enjoy long walks on the beach, and a candlelit dinner under the stars…

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** dude r u on drugs?

**Icefiredragon56:** I should be going too. Goodbye.

**H0ttiEprincessAnGElgRrl20934:** w/e…

With that, James closed the window and signed off.

"How was my translation ability?" asked James cockily. "Bet you didn't think I could do that Remus, did you."

"To be honest, I didn't," replied Remus. "I commend you. Professionally executed, mate." He clapped him on the shoulder. Suddenly the screen filled up with errors again, along with the horrible noise that made the guys jump.

"This is starting to freak me out," Peter whined, eyeing the machine as it started emitting smoke. The sounds grew louder.

"What are we going to do?" asked Remus, hitting buttons to absolutely no avail.

"Kick it, that always works," Sirius suggested. James kicked the tower. It wasn't helping. He kicked harder.

"Let the power of Prongs compel you!" he shouted, repeatedly kicking it. "Let the power of Prongs compel you!"

By now, the boys had all drawn their wands and starting hexing the computer. Sparks flew from the monitor and smoke filled the room. All the while, the noise grew louder.

"Oh no," whimpered Peter ducking behind a chair as the other three stood their ground.

"_Sectumsempra!_" yelled Sirius, pointing his wand at the computer. It only seemed to make the possessed machine angrier.

"Dear god, what will it take to stop this thing?" James shook his head and hurled more curses at the machine. Remus pushed him and Sirius aside.

"Stand back," Remus said coldly. He turned to the sparking, smoking, screaming computer and slowly lifted his wand. In one of the boldest moves he had ever made in his life, the young werewolf bellowed, "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Everything went still. The smoke cleared, the sparks stopped, and the cacophonous shrieking ceased. Remus stood panting, wand still raised. James and Sirius, also with their wands aimed, covered him. Peter peeked up from the armchair he was crouching behind. Remus nodded, and he, James, and Sirius approached the wrecked machine.

"Is it over?" Peter asked from several feet behind them. Sirius prodded the melted heap of plastic and metal with his wand. He was almost sure it twitched, but wrote that off as his imagination.

"Looks like it," he said, with an affirmative nod. Peter crept out from his hiding place.

"So what are we gonna do with this monstrosity?" asked James, eyeing the computer untrustingly.

"Shall we give it back to the ickle Mugglies like we told Remus we would?" Sirius asked.

"Screw that," said Remus, shaking his head. "We're throwing it in the lake!"

* * *

Haha! That was by far the most fun chapter of this series I have had the pleasure to write. I might use this format more often. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh by the way, Microsoft, don't sue me, or you know, hunt me down or, like, eat my soul or anything. I was just kidding, really… (cough) Oh, and AOL, sorry for the horrible portrayal of your product, but you know those kinds of idiots use it. Yes… And don't sue me either. Well, now that's been said, review!


	9. Passing Notes in Arithmancy

**MWPP Chapter 9: Passing Notes in Arithmancy**

Just another update for those who find this amusing. School's about to start for me so bleh, but enjoy in spite of my bleh-ness!

* * *

**Peter:** Hey, Remus…WTF is Arithmancy?

**Sirius:** Dude, WTF is WTF?

**Remus:** No idea Sirius. And to answer your question, Peter, yes.

**James:** Hey you guys…

**Sirius:** No, she isn't.

**James:** Aw, dang.

**Peter:** I'm still confused. What am I doing in this class? What IS this class?

**Remus:** Arithmancy is the study of numbers, Peter.

**Peter:** Oh, like numerology…

**Remus:** Uh, not exactly…

(This might be a good time, dear reader, to remind you of Hogwarts' curriculum. Yes, it includes everything from Transfiguration to Potions to Herbology. But these are all magical subjects, and not anything like the standard topics studied in any normal public or private school. Hogwarts' students therefore are devastatingly lacking in certain life skills, such as the study of the English language and as we're about to find out… math.)

**James:** (receives a handout from the teacher) Look at these worksheets… What is this crap?

**Remus: **Arithmancy, James. You see this question here? (points to "2+2") You put the two and the two together, you understand?

**Sirius:** Oh I get it! It's twenty-two! (scribbles on his own paper)

**Remus:** No, Sirius. Let me put it in more practical terms. Let's say Johnny and Bobby each have two apples. Bobby gives Johnny his two apples. How many apples does Johnny have now?

**James:** I don't know, but it sounds like this Bobby kid is getting gypped…

**Peter:** Yeah, why does Johnny get all the apples?

**Sirius:** Isn't it obvious? He's making a pie.

**James:** Sirius, men don't cook.

**Sirius:** Oh yeah…

**Remus:** (sighs) Once AGAIN, you've all completely missed the point. How many apples are there all together?

**Peter:** In the WORLD?

**Remus:** No! There are four apples! Four! Johnny had two, Bobby had two. Count them up!

(Peter, James, and Sirius sit for a few minutes counting on their fingers)

**James:** It's four! I figured it out.

**Remus:** I just told you the answer…

**Sirius:** You're so smart James.

**Peter:** I concur.

**Remus:** You guys are all idiots.

**Peter: **No, Remus, not James.

**Remus:** Oh, I'm sorry, he can count all the way to FOUR. I forgot.

**James:** And look, here's another problem. (points to "5+3") I've already figured it out in my head, but I'll give you guys an example to help you. All right, let's say Billy, Joe, and Zebediah each have five apples. Billy takes three of his and throws them at Zebediah. Zebediah retaliates by throwing one at Joe – he's a slow child, you see – then Joe steals all four of Johnny's apples then everybody got into a huge fight and somebody made a pie. How many apples is it?

**Sirius:** Uh… twelve?

**Peter:** Four!

**James:** Sorry guys… the answer is obviously seventy-nine.

**Remus:** No James it's… (pauses) Oh wait, okay, put that. In fact, James, since you show such an incredible proficiency in this subject, I'll shut my mouth and let you tutor us, eh?

**James:** Good idea Remus. Where were we… (reads "7-3") Okay, see this little slashy thing between the two means that… uh… Well, obviously the seven is stabbing the three…

**Peter:** Haha, that violent seven. You know, you guys… cuz seven eight nine.

**James, Sirius, and Remus:** …

**Peter:** You know. Seven ATE nine, get it?

**James:** Not funny. Not even close to funny.

**Sirius:** Every time someone tells that joke, a little angel loses its wings and falls into a pit of eternal darkness and fire.

**Remus:** Sirius, if there's fire it can't be… Never mind, he's right. Sorry James, what about the seven and the three?

**James:** Yeah, the seven is stabbing the three and intends to rob it, obviously.

**Sirius:** Why? What has it got?

**Peter:** Four apples!

**James:** No that's Johnny!

**Sirius:** But I thought Joe stole them?

**Peter:** But what if Joe didn't want the evidence on him? What if he was being chased by the heat?

**James:** Good point, he pawned them off and now the three has them. So the seven, knowing this transaction had taken place, attacks the three and steals the apples for himself. So, the answer is FOUR APPLES!

**Remus:** You know, in an odd twisted way you guys somehow managed to figure that out. I am astounded.

**Sirius:** But wait, what if Johnny PAID the seven to steal back his apples?

**James:** Good question. For the answer, we turn to the next, entirely unrelated problem. (points to "10-7")

**Sirius:** How will that tell us about Johnny?

**James:** Well, as you see here, this time the TEN is stabbing the SEVEN.

**Peter:** So the ten wants the apples then? Why?

**Remus:** (now vaguely interested) Yes, why is that?

**James:** Well, if you look closely, it's not a ten at all. It's actually… Johnny!

**Sirius:** Get out! There is no way!

**James:** But there is a way Sirius. Think carefully now… What is the tenth letter in the alphabet?

**Peter:** W?

**Remus:** It's not W Peter.

**Sirius:** (after a moment) By god, it's J!

**Remus:** By god, he's right!

**James:** Yes, it's J! What could J possibly stand for?

**Peter:** JOHNNY!

**Sirius:** Oh my god, you know what else? There are ten letters in "Johnny"!

**Remus:** There are SIX letters in Johnny.

**Sirius:** Oh…

**James:** BUT – if you add the four apples to the six letters in "Johnny" what do you get?

**Peter:** TEN! You get ten! It all makes sense now! This is like the DaVinci Code!

**Remus:** You still haven't solved the problem. What is ten minus seven?

**Sirius:** What's minus?

**Remus:** (sighs out loud) What happens when the ten… I mean JOHNNY stabs the seven?

**James:** Well, Johnny gets his four apples back, of course. But then he gets hungry from stabbing the seven – mutilated corpses make Johnny hungry, he's a sick child, you see – and so he eats one of the apples…

**Peter:** And then he only has three apples left! The answer is three!

**Remus:** James, I'm beginning to think your twisted logic might be worth something…

**Sirius:** We told you.

**James:** That's right, bow to my math skillz, babay!

**Remus:** Here's another problem – how many teeth will you have left when I punch them out of your inflated head, James?

**James:** (counts) Eleven?

**Peter:** No, ten! Like Johnny! Your teeth will become Johnny and stab Remus and steal his apples!

**Sirius:** Because seven ate nine, right?

**Peter:** EXACTLY!

**Remus:** … You're all insane. I'm never bringing you to Arithmancy again.

**Sirius:** Arithmancy? I thought this was Spanish class.

**James:** ¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!

**Peter:** Dude, does that even exist yet?

**Remus:** Does the DaVinci Code?

**Peter:** Good point.

* * *

That was fun! XD Review, review, review!


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